Why do I always disappear when things get tough? It’s a question I’ve asked myself countless times. I’m not a fan of being alone, but my first instinct is to pull away whenever everything feels overwhelming. Not because I enjoy it, but because it’s easier than having to explain what’s really going on to others.
It’s strange how people like me—a person whose top love language is quality time—often choose to vanish when life gets hard. I say I want connection, but then I distance myself at the first sign of trouble. Why? Maybe it’s because I’m so used to being the listener. It’s how I show up for others—by being the one who’s always there, the one who pays attention. But when it’s my turn to share, I get stuck. My struggles either feel too big to talk about, or too small to matter to anyone else.
But here’s the truth I keep telling myself: no one’s going to magically know what I’m feeling if I don’t speak up. People aren’t mind readers, and expecting them to just “get it” is setting myself up for disappointment. They can’t just scan our thoughts and instantly understand what’s going on. We want to be understood without having to say a word, but the truth is, that’s not how it works. “Communication is key,” they say. But I think it’s more than that—communication and comprehension are both needed for true understanding. It’s not enough to just talk; you need someone who’s willing to listen and understand too.
So here’s what I keep reminding myself: it’s okay to let people in. It’s okay to say, “I’m not okay,” and not have all the answers. Maybe it’s time to stop expecting people to understand without telling them how we feel. Maybe we need to give ourselves a chance to be heard. We should let go of the guilt of “bothering” others and allow ourselves to lean on the support we so freely offer to everyone else.
Every now and then, all we want is to be understood—to have someone who sees through our disappearing acts and says, “I’m staying.” If you have someone like that in your life, consider yourself lucky. Let yourself be heard for once, instead of constantly being the one who listens. Life is messy, and yeah, it’s a pain in the ass, but we don’t have to go through it alone. And even if sometimes the only person we have is ourselves—and maybe God—then let’s at least try to be kind to that person.
So, to those who disappear as their coping mechanism: give yourself a chance to be understood. Be gentle with yourself. Speak kindly to yourself. Forgive yourself as easily as you would forgive others. And remember, your own needs matter just as much as everyone else’s. —Something I keep reminding myself too. 🙂
Best,
D
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