I used to think I had it all figured out. I knew where I was headed, what I wanted to achieve, and how I’d get there. But this year? It didn’t go as planned. Not even close.
I failed to get into the master’s program this year. I got rejected by LPDP — twice. The scholarship I’ve been chasing with all my energy and hope. I thought I’d be moving forward, but instead, I’m standing still, writing the same story again: “Not this time.”
And that’s not all. My work life? It’s been a rollercoaster—well most of the time going downhill. I’m at a point where I’m doubting myself more than ever. I doubt whether I’m even on the right path or if I am the right person to do things. I hear this voice in my head saying, “Maybe you’re just not good enough. Maybe it’s time to give up.” And some days, I almost believe it.
Life isn’t neat and organized. It’s chaotic, unpredictable, and honestly, a mess. And this year, I’ve been constantly reminded that no matter how hard I try or how much I plan, things just don’t always work out. Sometimes you hit a wall. Sometimes you fall flat on your face. And it’s painful. Really painful.
But maybe that’s the lesson I’m supposed to learn right now—how to accept the mess. How to be okay even when everything’s not okay. How to sit with disappointment, rejection, and failure without letting them define who I am. It’s about learning to accept that the tough times are just as real and important as the good ones.
Nobody really talks about how hard it is to keep going when you keep getting knocked down. Nobody tells you that some dreams won’t come true, or that you might end up back at square one more often than you’d like. But I’m starting to realize: just because things are messy, doesn’t mean they’re meaningless.
Every rejection, every failure, every low point—they’re not pretty, but they’re real. They’re moments that push me to look within, to rethink what I want, and to keep trying even when it feels pointless. These are the cracks that let me rebuild myself—hopefully, a little stronger each time.
So, what now? I’m still figuring it out. I don’t have all the answers, and that’s okay. For now, I’m learning to let myself feel sad, disappointed, and frustrated without trying to pretend I’m fine. I’m learning that it’s okay to want something badly and still fail at getting it. It’s okay to want to hide away, but still get up the next morning and try again.
Embracing the messy parts of life means accepting that things won’t always turn out the way we imagined. Setbacks don’t erase the effort, and failures don’t make us failures. It’s about showing up, even when everything feels confusing and uncertain.
So here’s to the mess. Here’s to the moments that didn’t go as planned. Here’s to accepting this messy chapter of my life—even if it’s filled with doubts, crossed-out plans, and changes I didn’t ask for. Because one day, I’ll look back and see that these messy parts were what shaped me into who I was meant to be.
Best,
D
desireenasfhia's 